


whisper our needs and scream our critiques

by FrazzledDragon



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Crushes, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Flirting, Getting Together, M/M, Miscommunication, Misunderstandings, Teenagers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-20
Updated: 2020-06-20
Packaged: 2021-03-03 20:55:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,123
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24821968
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FrazzledDragon/pseuds/FrazzledDragon
Summary: Suga can't take it anymore.Daichi doesn't know what he's talking about.
Relationships: Sawamura Daichi/Sugawara Koushi, Takeda Ittetsu/Ukai Keishin
Comments: 16
Kudos: 254





	whisper our needs and scream our critiques

**Author's Note:**

> The title comes from the song Shiver by Mike Waters 😊

“I can’t take it anymore,” Suga mumbled, his eyes darker than the mood and face more anguished than Daichi had ever seen it. His heart clenched at the sight, and everything in him wanted to reach out, touch him, soothe him somehow, but Suga pulled away from him before he could.

“What do you mean?” Daichi asked gently, hesitantly. Their conversation had been tense all day, as though the storm clouds overhead were influencing them, but this seemed to be something worse than simply tense. Even though it was darker than it usually was when they walked home, Daichi was pretty sure he could see Suga shaking.

“I CAN’T TAKE IT!” Suga yelled, turning on Daichi. Now that they were facing one another, Daichi could see the tears pooling in Sugawara’s eyes. “I CAN’T TAKE THIS! I CAN’T DO IT!  _ WE _ CAN’T DO THIS ANYMORE, DON’T YOU UNDERSTAND?!”

Daichi, dumbfounded, tried to shake his head no, he didn’t understand, he had  _ no _ clue where this was all coming from, he didn’t know what Suga was talking about, didn’t know how it involved him.

“It just hurts too much,” Suga sobbed, jerking away when Daichi reached out again. Suga looked in desperate need of a hug, pain radiating off of him, and Daichi could feel the desire to give him one deep, deep down in the depths of his heart. 

“Suga-” He tried, wanting more than anything in the world to understand what was hurting his best friend so much.

But Suga wasn’t going to let him finish.

“I know you don’t like me, but there’s no excuse for leading me on! It’s not making me feel better and it doesn’t make you a better person! It just makes you a manipulative, sadistic asshole!” Suga’s words were razor-sharp, aggressively acidic. “I can’t take it. I can’t do it anymore, Sawamura. Just… Just… stay away from me. Don’t talk to me. I don’t need you. I’ve never needed you. I don’t even want you anymore.”

And before Daichi could say a word, Sugawara was running away.

He wanted to run after him, wanted it more than anything in the world, but he was cemented to the spot, his feet as heavy as ocean liners and his heart pounding. It was the end of a long and stressful day, and he had had both morning and afternoon practice. He was exhausted, and it took his tired mind a long time to sort through what just happened, as he walked the rest of the way home in a total daze.

Suga rarely got angry. He was generally optimistic, a bright smile and a quick-to-tease tongue. It was no accident he was the vice-captain, able to keep his head and heart stable regardless of the circumstances. Basically everyone liked or respected him, so he didn’t really have any enemies. 

Suga rarely yelled, at least, like that. He was good at keeping his temper in check, good at explaining what he was thinking in a way that kept others from getting upset, including himself. He was nurturing, gentle, encouraging. It wasn’t in his nature to scream and yell and argue.

Suga rarely cried. At least, not in front of Daichi. He prefered to keep the less positive emotions private, though Daichi would be willing to bet he’s seen Suga cry more than most. 

But Suga did all of those things, tonight, all without any reason that made sense to Daichi. He hadn’t been any different today than normal, except maybe this is where the tension came from? He was so confused.

_ I know you don’t like me _

What did  _ that _ mean? Of course Daichi liked Suga! Suga was his best friend, rivaled only by Asahi! Would Suga be upset about that? No, because it was the same for all three of them - they were all each other’s best friends. That doesn’t make sense.

_ Leading me on _

Leading him on? Leading him on toward what? Daichi was so confused. Daichi was too upfront and straightforward to lead anyone on. He had been told by  _ many _ a confessing girl that he was entirely too clueless regarding relationships, so the concept that he would be leading  _ anyone _ on is baffling, but even more baffling was that  _ Suga _ was accusing him of this. What… What did he mean? Theirs wasn’t that kind of relationship?

_ Manipulative, sadistic asshole _

That made something painful and thorny curl in his gut. He sincerely tried to be the best person he could be. He had never intentionally manipulated anyone, he was pretty sure he wasn’t sadistic, and although he had one, he wasn’t fond of the idea of being an asshole. So why did Suga think he was all three of those things?

_ I’ve never needed you _

These words echoed in his mind, bouncing off every corner and landing in every crevice. They hurt, almost more than anything else he said, and just remembering the vicious acidity of Suga’s voice, Sugawara Koushi, who never lied, was enough to make his stomach twist with nausea. Worse than that, Daichi couldn’t say the same. He needed Suga. He was his rock, his best friend. It was no accident that Suga was his vice captain.

_ I don’t even want you anymore _

Suga wanted him?

By the time he got home, Daichi was trembling. His stomach was violently nauseous and he had tried to text Suga, but the generic “This number has blocked you” message popped up instead of a response from Suga. He tried every social media platform he knew, and all of them had the same result. Suga had completely cut him out of his life.

His eyes were open, but he couldn’t see. He was going through the motions, trying to process exactly what it was that had just happened, but he couldn’t. His whole chest burned with a pain he’d never experienced before.

He opened the front door, unable to speak. His mother, a kind, tall woman, came to greet him, immediately seeing something was terribly wrong. “Daichi?” she asked, softly, and Daichi broke down sobbing.

She wrapped him in her arms, tried to help, but he wouldn’t tell her what was wrong.

The next day at school was hell. Daichi was miserable. He couldn't focus, couldn't breathe, was sluggish in everything. During practice,  _ many _ of his teammates asked him what was wrong, but he just shook his head, stealing glances at Sugawara, who was effortlessly ignoring him.

When Suga set, he never set to Daichi. When they were doing drills, Suga ensured he was never anywhere near him. If Daichi spoke directly to him, Suga pretended not to hear until another teammate repeated it for him.

He could not recall a more unpleasant time, and his appendix had burst last year during chemistry. Fortunately, it had been the off-season for volleyball, but it still hadn't been pleasant. And this was worse.

Even Asahi was growing impatient, hurt by his unwillingness to share and confused by the sudden and total rift between his two best friends.

Tanaka and Nishinoya offered to beat up whoever had made him sad, even if it was a girl. They drew the line at Kiyoko, of course, but they offered all the same.

Yachi offered to bake for him.

The first years, all in their own, endearing way, asked if something was wrong and if they could help. Kageyama even asked if he wanted to talk, and quote, "about his feelings."

Ennoshita didn't pry, not even once, but started helping cover the captain duties, just to take some of the strain off Daichi.

He felt like he was drowning, and there was nothing anyone could do to save him. He didn't sleep at night, he was never hungry so he never ate, he was late to class for the first time in forever, he almost skipped practice. His mind was so full of thoughts and fears and self-hatred. He was surrounded by people yet he was overwhelmingly lonely and the only person he wanted to tell was Sugawara Koushi. The only person in the world that completely refused to talk to him, to even look at him. 

He missed him like a limb. No, worse than that. He missed him like he would miss his lungs and heart. He hadn't realized how much of his day was spent with Suga, how much of his life was built around Sugawara Koushi. Taking him out, so suddenly and aggressively, was like an addiction with horrible withdrawal symptoms.

It took three, horrible days - the final one Daichi spent entirely silent, letting Ennoshita take over entirely - before Coach Ukai finally intervened. 

"Sawamura!" He called from the sidelines, after Daichi completely miffed a receive from Hinata. To clarify, one of the strongest defensive players on the team missed a serve receive from arguably one of the weakest servers on the whole team.

Silently, looking utterly defeated, Daichi wandered sullenly over to Ukai.

"C'mere kid." Ukai didn't leave room for argument, and Daichi wasn't in the mood to argue.

They left the gym, missing how Suga completely missed a set, watching Daichi leave. Takeda, more softly than Ukai, separated Suga from the rest of the team and led him out the opposite side of the gym.

Daichi's eyes were dull and empty as Ukai stood in front of him, staring. "What's wrong, Captain? You're off your game and your mood is starting to impact the team."

Daichi just shook his head.

"It'll help to talk about it, kid. You can't bottle shit up. It's clear that you're struggling and everyone in that gym hates to see you like this. You look like death. If I can't help, let me know who can and I'll get you connected. Throw me a bone, at the very least. You haven't said a word all day and my great great grandfather, may his soul rest peacefully, moves with more agility than you have this week."

He didn't say a word. Daichi felt his throat close up, and he swallowed thickly. He appreciated, distantly, how much Ukai cared and how hard he was trying, but he just couldn't do it. His head was pounding and his limbs were heavy. He  _ felt _ like death. All he wanted to do was lay down and not get back up.

Ukai crossed his arms. "Last chance, Cap."

This was enough to make Daichi pause, but then he realized there was little Ukai could threaten him with, so he stayed silent.

"Fine. The next official match we play, you will not step on the court once. Whether or not we're winning or losing. Not once."

Daichi's already broken heart broke a little further, and he was sure Ukai could hear the crack. It would be the first match since his first year of high school that he wouldn't play. However much it hurt, it did highlight something he was already thinking.

"I was thinking of quitting the team anyway," he murmured, and Ukai backtracked rapidly.

"Whoa whoa whoa! It's only one game, Captain! I didn't mean you should quit! Whatever you're going through, it's not the end of the world! It'll pass, like all things! You do know that, don't you?"

A sob snuck up on Daichi before he could stop it, and it came out like a choking cough. "I messed up," he whispered, tears pooling in his eyes. His cheeks flamed in embarrassment, but he couldn't stop. "I… I ruined it. I’ll never get it back."

Ukai tentatively put a hand on his shoulder, trying to meet his eyes, which only served to coax another sob free from Daichi’s chest. It was like an avalanche; they kept falling out as though the first had made the way for the rest. "Talk to me, Sawamura. Breathe. What happened? What did you mess up?"

"I'm such an idiot…" he sobbed, letting Ukai wrap him in his arms. "I… I didn't realize… he… I didn't know… he…" He was practically hyperventilating on his sobs, hiccuping and tearing up and sniffling.

"Breathe, Daichi. Breathe. Deep breaths. You didn't know he…?"

"I didn't know he liked me," he whispered, trembling. "I didn't know. I swear, I didn't mean to hurt him. I would never hurt him. I didn't know."

"Who's he, Daichi?"

"Suga." Daichi was completely broken, so depressed and tired and empty that he couldn't hold it in any longer. 

He had put it together over the course of the next day. He'd dated a couple girls their first two years of high school, no one he had asked out, but only girls who'd asked him. At the beginning of their third year, he'd come out as gay to Asahi and Suga. Both of them had been extremely supportive and uplifting, sending him actually funny memes about gay people and regularly ogling cute boys with him.

Suga had been particularly surprised and elated about his coming out, had asked if they could go out for dinner to celebrate. 

There had been more instances like that - sleepovers and dinners and breakfasts and lunches and dances where Suga stuck close to him the whole night. There had been hints, some more obvious and some less so - Suga started saying he loved him, which Daichi had easily returned. Suga kissed him on the cheek in greeting, which Daichi had returned.

He had assumed it was all friendly. All platonic. All just Suga being affectionate, cuddly Suga.

It was not. That was the worst part of all. It wasn't, they were all of Suga's attempts to tell Daichi how he felt and Daichi had missed every single one of them. Not only did Daichi understand now that it was much too late, but he couldn't blame anyone but himself. Suga thought he understood, because most people wouldn't miss that many signs. And Daichi had. Suga thought Daichi had been trying to let him down gently out of pity, out of a refusal to turn him down plainly. 

That's not what he meant to do at all. He'd ruined the best thing in his life because he was too dense to put two and two together. Nothing could be worse.

Brokenly, he explained it all to Ukai. He vomited it all up, laid out all his broken pieces for Ukai to see. He couldn't keep it inside any longer.

"Daichi," Ukai said softly. "Daichi, this is fixable. You're overreacting. This isn't the end. Breathe, Daichi. You can fix this. This won't be the end of your friendship with Sugawara. I guarantee it. You need to breathe. Then sit down - you look like you're about to pass out."

He did as he was told, taking in deep gasping breaths, shivering. He felt like he was actually going to vomit, his head spinning. 

"First, you need to explain everything you just told me to Sugawara. Explain why you were confused, explain that you understand why he was upset, that you never meant to lead him on. When you've said all that, give Suga some time to process it. Give him space, don't pressure him, don't get impatient. He'll probably need some time. Then, go from there."

Daichi shook his head. "I can't talk to him. He doesn't want to talk to me. He won't listen."

Ukai raised an eyebrow. Then his phone buzzed, so he pulled it out of his pocket. A text from Takeda.

_ How is Sawamura? _

He sent back:  _ a wreck… is Suga any better? _

"Sawamura, gotta be honest with ya, you really don't know Sugawara Koushi at all if you think he won't listen when you talk. Especially when you're trying to explain yourself. Especially when I think he knows you didn't do it on purpose."

"You think so?" Daichi sniffled, wiping his face on the shoulder of his t-shirt.

"I know so. He's been just as miserable-looking this past week as you have. He just does a better job of masking it. And he's been looking at you every time you aren't looking at him. I would be willing to bet money that he regrets going off on you just as much as you regret missing his hints."

Another text from Takeda.

_ Completely distraught. Devastated comes to mind. Or perhaps inconsolable. _

Barely muffling an amused snort, Ukai responded,  _ the kid looks like he hasn't eaten in a while. I'm going to take him to get some food. Can u and Suga stay close by and monitor practice? Ennoshita can cover _

A text of affirmation, and Ukai pulled Daichi to his feet and started leading him to Sakanoshita. "C'mon, you can't fix this mess on an empty stomach."

Daichi said nothing, but willingly followed along. At the mention of food, his stomach snarled fiercely, which made Ukai smile.

Sugawara was still sobbing. Takeda still hadn't managed to get out the whole story from him, just bits and pieces, something about a mistake and something about Daichi.

Takeda just kept rubbing his back and reminding him to breathe. He was glad Ukai had managed to get through to Daichi enough to get him to eat. The sooner the captain and the vice captain were back on their feet, the sooner the team could go back to practicing as normal.

"He didn't know," Suga choked out, his nose red and his eyes swollen.

"Didn't know what?" Takeda's voice was gentle, only a little above a whisper.

"I thought… I thought he was taunting me. But… but he didn't know. He had no idea… Now… now I've…"

"Sugawara, calm down. You're hyperventilating. Talk to me. I can help. Help me help you."

"I… yelled at him. Told him to never talk to me again. Told him to leave me alone. Called him a manipulative, sadistic asshole."

Takeda could not imagine a description less fitting for Sawamura Daichi, but he nodded along.

"But… but… he didn't know. I… I just ruined it and now he'll never want to talk to me again and I just completely… I couldn't…"

"Suga, why did you yell at him? What did you think he knew that he didn't know?"

Suga flushed. "I have a crush on him. And I thought I made it obvious enough that he knew. So I got mad that he kept glossing over it, ignoring it, instead of just turning me down and letting me get over him. He just… didn't know. So I… I screamed at him, and ruined our friendship, because I was too scared to just tell him. I  _ knew _ that he struggled to take hints in relationships, I  _ knew _ that."

"I know when you're in this state of distress, it's hard to believe people outside of the situation, but I promise this situation isn't as hopeless as you think it is. Have you  _ looked _ at Daichi in the past week? He looks like death. He looks at you every time you turn your back. If I were to take a guess at what's going through his mind, I'd imagine it was an apology and the desire to fix your relationship more than anything."

"How can you be sure?" Suga's eyes narrowed, despite the tears and the runny nose ruining the severity of the expression. "Have you talked to him?"

Takeda snorted. "I don't need to talk to him. He's thinking so loud, I'm surprised you haven't heard. Everything is written all over his face. If I were to guess, he’s so sorry that it’s all he can think about. He wants to fix things with you, Suga.”

"But… But it’s not his fault. This is all my fault. I… I ruined this… How… how do I fix this?"

"You need to talk to him." Suga blanched at the suggestion, but he couldn't dispute the point. 

"I can't. He hates me. I know it. I should just quit the team and-"

"Sugawara Koushi!"

Suga blinked in surprise at Takeda's shout and opened his mouth to speak. 

"Not another word," Takeda said decisively. "You're going to talk to him and figure this out. No one's quitting the team, it's no one's fault, and no one hates anyone. You're a teenager and your emotions are valid, but overwhelming and cloud your judgement. I know you're sad and scared and regretful and young but I  _ know _ it will be okay. I know it. I've had my fair share of bad breakups, believe it or not, especially when I was your age, and I can assure you that I thought every one of them was the end. None of them killed me, and this won't kill you."

"But we didn't break-"

"I  _ said, _ not another word. Now, clean yourself up, because we're going back to practice. You're going to get your head back on straight, then Daichi and Ukai are going to come back, and you and him are going to take a nice little stroll and have a quality, straightforward conversation where both of you apologize profusely and beg the other's forgiveness because you're horny teenagers who are poor communicators about what you need. Okay?"

Suga, suitably baffled to hear something so… Ukai in nature coming from Takeda Ittetsu, nodded slowly. What else could he do?

"Good. Let's go.”

Standing in front of Sugawara was worse than he thought it’d be, and Daichi hadn’t thought it’d be pleasant. He felt a little better when he noticed just how shaky Suga was, how red his eyes were. Maybe Ukai was right, maybe Suga was nervous too.

“I’m sorry!” He blurted, and was surprised to hear the same sentiment echoed from Suga.

“I’m really, really sorry,” he continued, only vaguely aware he’s not the only one talking. “I’m so stupid and thick-skulled and I didn’t see what was right in front of me and I never meant to lead you on and I’m  _ so sorry _ -”

Meanwhile, Suga was saying, “I’m so sorry, Daichi, I thought you knew and even if you did, it was totally unfair of me to not give you a chance to explain why you were doing what you were doing and I know now that you weren’t aware and you weren’t doing anything on purpose-”

They both stopped, staring in shock.

Then before either of them knew what was happening, they were hugging, holding each other so tightly neither of them could really breathe, but they were bleeding apologies and heartache and hope and affection. Nothing they were saying really made any sense, but that was okay, because they were together and despite the gibberish they understood each other for the first time in days. 

Daichi pulled back first, before pressing his lips to Suga’s roughly, unplanned and unpracticed. It’s a sloppy and ugly kiss to witness, but Suga’s resulting grin could dice shadows and slice darkness. 

Besides, if they start at the bottom, they only have upwards to go. 

“I really like you,” Suga whispered, and Daichi echoed it back effortlessly. “I’m sorry -I didn’t mean any of it,” and Daichi echoed that too.

Ukai watches the make-up session from the gym door, half watching practice, half watching the captain and vice work through their emotions. He’s relieved that they’re finally communicating and coming back to the normal.

“Amazing what happens when people say what they want from other people outright,” Takeda says, coming up beside him. “Imagine how much pain and worry they could have saved themselves if Sugawara had just said what he was thinking. What he was feeling.”

“Easier said than done, Specs. Especially at this age, where everything you do is judged and analyzed by your peers. Likely, Sugawara was just trying to protect his heart.”

Takeda gave him a piercing sort of look, the kind that instinctively made Ukai nervous for reasons he couldn’t pin down. “We’re not in that age bracket any longer, are we?”

Ukai frowned, not sure where this was going, but already not liking it. “No, I suppose not.”

Takeda’s lips twisted into a smirk. “Then why are you so afraid of getting your heart broken?”

And like that, Ukai Keishin understood  _ exactly  _ what Takeda Ittetsu was getting at and flushed bright red. “I dunno, I guess,” he mumbles.

Takeda snorted. "Maybe you shouldn’t be so afraid.”

He patted Ukai’s back, before turning to walk back into practice. He probably had a staff meeting soon and was going to say goodbye to the team. 

But Ukai caught his arm before he got out of range. “Takeda, I-”

“No, I want it to be your idea.” His eyes are kind and patient. “Think about it. I’m not trying to pressure you into anything."

Ukai gulped. How the hell was anyone supposed to recover from a conversation like  _ that _ ? But he smiled anyways, hope and excitement fluttering around like butterflies in his stomach. Now to plan the perfect date.


End file.
